True Self

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."   -Lao Tzu

I have been given an amazing life to live – so many deep and extraordinary twists and turns.  In many ways, I feel that "I" no longer exists and felt its dissolution many years back.  Ever since I was 17 or so, I stopped capitalizing the word "I", as it was too loaded with severe, habituated limitations.  It’s probably the same reason I stopped calling my parents "mom" and "dad" – these powerful words kept me locked in emotional ignorance that would never allow me to see them as who they really are.  In a similar way, only rarely will I use the full name of John Silliphant, and instead generally use only a "j" or a "js."  And very seldom take credit for things.  Using the full name here is a rare exception.

The reason is that I don’t believe in John Silliphant.  Like the I of the past, it is just too loaded with mediocre assumptions – of a known personality and its structure – a type of a prison built of limited identity.  I am a brilliant rising sun, a dark cry of anguish, a subtle bliss within the universe.  Somehow it’s very difficult to capture that in a Western name.

One thing I have now felt for a long time is that I would like to share my story before I let it go.  I’m sure this interest comes largely from an ego desire to be credited with something I feel is special.  But  much more than that, there is a genuine sense of tragedy in failing to share my life story.  In a final act of ego, at some point I may indulge this.   Possibly then I will be more ready to let go of the limited container.  This may take place here, or may not.  I don’t know.