Welcome to life. At some point, each of us is bound to experience profound loss. And we all somehow manage to get through it. I’m not happy about my current situation, but life is what it is. The key is how we deal with it.
By posting this now, I am kind of opening myself up, sharing this most difficult process as it happens in real time. For me, there couldn’t be much of a greater loss than losing Loveleen so, if it actually happens, how am I going to deal with it?
It’s kind of twisted to say that it’s fortunate I’ve dealt with profound loss before, but I have, and having been through it, I’ve picked up some survival tools. The feelings that will be coming my way are likely to be pretty severe. It’s one thing to talk about how to cope. It’s another thing to do it. I’m sharing these tools with everyone, hoping that maybe it might help you out in similar situations, but it will remain to be seen whether they prove useful to me this time around.
Rule #1 – I Love Myself. When tragedy hits, we can lose hope and fall into depression. The antidote is love and if the world is not feeding you with it, then feed yourself. Repeat to yourself over and over “I love myself, I love myself…” – whether you believe it or not. Eventually you
will. Sometimes, it may be hard to keep the flame lit, but this is a sure way of doing it. See also my earlier post called “Recipe for Blue Skies”.
Rule #2 – Enjoy the process :). In moments of sadness we are exposed to the sweetness of life. Life is not just about smiling and being happy. Life is about savoring our existence and this existence is made up of all kinds of extraordinary experiences, many of them very difficult to go through. Nothing can reveal severe beauty like the pain of loss – here, we are re-living love on its way out. It’s OK to be crushed, but enjoy being crushed, and savor the love for the second time as it makes its departure. When you can learn to appreciate everything – wanted and unwanted – then life just becomes an amazing ride.
Rule #3 – Stay true. This is an important part of enjoying the process and the best way to grow with the ride. For me, poetry has always been very helpful in times like these.
Rule #4 – Stay active. Distract yourself and keep the fire burning in whatever way it takes to
get through the really tough parts.
Rule #5 – Practice anonymous acts of kindness. In planting seeds of goodness, new joy begins
to grow and take over.
I’m sure there are many more rules. These are just a few that have helped me. Feel free to add any you may know in the comments section. Anyway, I’m just trying to be positive. I’m assuming from past losses that this will be pretty hard to handle, but who knows, perhaps after 6 Vipassana courses, I’ll be grounded enough to watch this one a little differently. :)
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August 16, 2006 at 4:28 pm
timbo
Yowza….yaniv just told me of your postings and i’m obviously surprised by it all. Hmmm… life is totally wacky. I always forget how FAAAAR out things can go from one’s original plan or from what one generally takes to be real or stable. Who can predict anything? peace….
August 16, 2006 at 5:19 pm
love
i luv u
August 17, 2006 at 7:27 pm
ld
a fresh start is a wonderful idea. why not try a fresh start TOGETHER?
August 18, 2006 at 6:45 pm
rahulbrown
in hearing of the painful possibility of the two of your separating, i’m reminded of the tests that our heroes of truth have undergone to win their eternal places in our hearts. jesus on the cross. buddha tested by lust. gandhi and his assassin. it’s daunting to think that they, and eventually all of us, must walk through such fires to emerge in purer light.
but i also wonder about sacrifice. it seems that this is a key element in these kinds of tests. and from that perspective, wouldn’t taking the greatest sacrifice result in the most difficult test, and thus the greatest gain after passing through the darkness?
for you and loveleen, i wonder which is the greater sacrifice. the one hardest on the ego. losing each other, or sacrificing your respective dreams that seem to be at odds in this moment?
my prayers and love to you both.
August 19, 2006 at 9:03 am
Ashvin
Hi John,
I am surprised and crushed to read this and not very objective right now. I can’t tell u anything u haven’t heard already. I really think you can follow your dreams and still have a family life. Yes there will be compromises but sometimes the compromises are only from the ego’s point of view. God, if there is one, would not think of family life as betrayal.
Maybe if you come to the place where wholeheartedly want to embrace family life and not think of it as compromise, Loveleen’s dreams would be alive again? Ultimately, all that matters is love, ofcourse you know and embody this better than anyone I have known.
With tears in my eyes.
Love,
Ash
August 22, 2006 at 2:49 pm
kt
i thank You God for most this amazing
~e.e. cummings
i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
August 23, 2006 at 1:11 pm
dan
keep your head up john. i check your blog every so often just to see what and how you are doing. sorry to hear about all that has gone on in your life as of recent.
just the other day i was speaking to my mom about my son starting nursery school in a few weeks and she asked if i had heard from you recently. probably cuz we went to nursery school together. i guess i have heard from you since i check this blog every so often.
keep up the good work. take life as it comes and give it the best shot you can. take it eaze…
September 5, 2006 at 9:06 pm
js
Thanks for all the nice comments.
:) js
October 27, 2007 at 3:12 am
Marian
That was a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve been going through a tumultuous ride, myself. I was both diagnosed with MS and dumped by my bf (who would be my ex right now) all in the same week, and this just happened two weeks ago. I’m still afloat, but sometimes it’s hard to not just let myself sink. The relationship ending had nothing to do with the diagnosis, but it was still quite a blow. I try to remind myself that it’ll be ok, and that there will be love in the future for me, and that im worthy of that love, both from myself and that other special person. I meditate everyday, and it has certainly helped me in staying centered and balanced. I take it one day at a time, and I always remind myself, above all else “life is truly amazing!”