dewAfter writing the last post called Losing Lo~veleen, I told my parents about the possibility of Love and I splitting. They were crushed and encouraged me to go the child route. My father started thinking creatively about ways it could work and this made me think that perhaps he was right. I imagined the reality of life without Love compared to life with Love and child, and started to think that the latter, though full of compromises, could work. I could make it work, and it could be beautiful. Incredibly beautiful.

I brought it up to Love and she revealed deeper truths to the story – that the hope of having a child had already died within her. She rejected the possibility and said that she simply needed a fresh start. Now I felt the whole thing as personal rejection.

When my housemate, Bhuvanesh, asked me to go with him to Yosemite, I decided to take flight and heal. It worked. If I could spend two years in a place so beautiful, I think everything would work out just fine.

With my first long-term girlfriend, Angie, I was emotionally far away. There came a time when the seed of our separation began to grow within her. On a day when I was very much supportive and present for her, it changed everything. She re-opened completely and said she would do everything necessary to go the distance with me and asked if that’s what I really wanted. There came an awkward pause. Somehow, inside, I felt that Love~leen (who I had never met) was my destiny. I can’t explain how I knew this, but I felt it, and at that moment, I couldn’t meet her question with a matching openness.

It took a while after that before we actually split up and it happened with me kicking and screaming, but in my mind, that was the moment of truth.

Lov~eleen says that she is ready to move on. When she says this, she has nothing but extraordinary love for me which makes it a lot more bearable, but still the thought is profoundly horrific. I tell her that I am open to having a child and she tells me that it is too late.

My guess, to share with you all my deepest of deep secrets, is that if having a child was my greatest wish, that the part of her she says has died would quickly spring back to life, but the truth, just like in that moment with Angie, is that, for better or worse, I am not of this world. My heart turned inward a long time ago. Though I am encased in desires just like everyone else, at the core, I am ready to move on. My heart is in a very peaceful place of surrender. I yearn for freedom – to let go these earthly shackles. It may take me a very long time to finally inform my desires of this greater truth, but that is where I stand.

Lovelee~n knows this. Probably better than I do. And that is why the dream died within her.

Anyone who is reading this has a very distinct edge over me. I am writing this with a very clear voice. After this, change will likely follow, and the emotions will come flooding in, leaving the voice of reason washed aside as the torrents flow and I stand screaming and gulping for air. You will know. I will think a million different thoughts – all pleas for emotional survival – and I will stand quite vulnerable, with you knowing more than I.

Despite the kicking and screaming, perhaps in life, sometimes we get what it is that we want.

These words are dangerous. Probably the most dangerous I have ever written. I would be happy to be a father. I would love my child to the Highest Heavens. I am ready to take it on. Lov~eleen wants the dream to be mutual or not at all. Though I feel very much like the victim in this, she has already bared the cross. This is a Divine tragedy, beautiful and cruel.

Love life.

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